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Thursday, August 2, 2012

In His palm

I have typed and erased a half a dozen times now, trying to figure out how to write about a tragedy...how to express how I feel. Well the backspacing is over and I am just going to write...scream it out, and vent! First, praise be to my God...I could not make it without His infinite love, mercy and grace! On July 9th, Cliff, my husband of 20 years suffered a spinal infarct of unknown origin. Our lives changed forever in that 90 seconds, but my husbands life was spared. He is now a paraplegic, but we are still praying for a miracle. The last few weeks have been filled with multiple diagnosis, several medical facilities, and multiple treatments, but ultimately the cause is a mystery. A spinal stroke, or spinal infarct is the final diagnosis based on the sudden onset, and spinal cord damage. Why? Do you ever just wonder what the plan is? I know that God is in control...I have faith in His plan for our lives, but we are shaken....devastated, and in a fog. Do you know the fog I am talking about? I felt a similar fog when my oldest son died, but I did not even recognize it until months later. It is a dream like state where everything in life keeps happening, but you are just going through the motions....NOT a good feeling! Fortunately, the fog lifts from time to time, and we are able to laugh at the nonsensical! I would much rather laugh than cry, so I am sure that many people think I'm a little weird, cause I find humor in it all. Not that I am always laughing...my car is my refuge where I can scream and cry and tell God how unfair it is that my wonderful, kind and loving husband should have to suffer like this...I scream about the mean and bad people that deserve suffering (yes, I know that is not true), but not my husband...he is one of the good guys! I am convinced that hospitals do not just need a "meditation and prayer" room, but someone needs to add a padded sound- proof room where patients and families can go to scream, kick, cry and just "pitch a fit"! I've used my car, but truthfully I'm not so sure that is the best place....other drivers are probably traumatized. Anyway, we are surviving, laughing, and discovering an even deeper love for each other, and a deeper trust in God....He has us in the palm of His hand. Currently Cliff is in an acute rehab facility where he is learning basic "activities of daily living" skills. He is working so hard, but just like me, he has his ups and downs. This life is hard sometimes, but I keep reminding myself that God was not surprised, and our hope is in Him. The next hurdle is coming soon....Our daughter, Amelia was away at camp when this happened. Since the initial diagnosis was Guillain Barre' syndrome we expected a full recovery when we told her about it...she has not been told that the paralysis is likely permanent. We decided to wait until she comes home to tell her, and the time is quickly approaching. I'm nervous and anxious about her reaction, but I'm also confident that she will amaze me...she always does! What else can I say?....Cliff was the primary caregiver for my elderly mom, so that has been another challenge, but with family, friends and church, we have been blessed. Although I'm pretty sure that no one came to my blog to hear my rantings, I am so thankful for this outlet. I did not even scratch the surface of this ordeal, but I do feel better just tapping it out on my laptop....Thanks for listening! I will post updates as I am able...
I would love if you shared your trials and triumphs with me....we can get encouragement from each other....pray for each other, and get through it together. God bless you all!

29 comments:

Stacey said...

Wow Lori - you have been through so much these last few weeks. I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through. I do believe that things happen for reasons we can't understand. It is just an awesome testimony of how you are faithful and trusting of HIS plan and his will. That speaks volumes. You are entitled to have many emotions - and it's ok to let Him know that. My goo friend suffered a tragic miscarriage a few weeks back after a difficult pregnancy. It was devastating. Yet through it all she was not angry, but glorified God. She amazed me with her faith. We spoke the other day about it and she said how sometimes good things come from bad circumstances. She was right as the weeks following came with such unexpected blessings. Praying for you and your family. Thanks for sharing!
Stacey of Embracing Change

sandra said...

Oh, Lori. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this difficulty. We do not understand why, but someday, we will. I think it is important for you to let yourself feel however you feel--smile when you can, and scream, cry, vent, and shout out your anger and pain when you need to. Remember, this, too, shall pass. I am glad you have shared this with us, so that we may keep you all close in our thoughts and prayers. Children are very resilient, and your daughter will be fine. I do suggest that you let her know that it is perfectly fine for her, also, to accept her feelings as they come, and assure her that it is alright that she still takes joy in living. That it is ok, and to be expected, that her feelings will change from day to day, or hour to hour, and that is fine. Sending gentle hugs and healing thoughts....Sandra

Full Circle Creations said...

You poor dear. I feel for you and your family. And I couldn't say it any better than the first two comments. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

Holly

Perfect Imperfections by Jeanne said...

Oh Lori, I'm so sorry to hear you and your family are going through such a hard trial. I can't even imagine! You are so fortunate to have your faith. Without God in our lives, I don't know what these trials would be like. Your sharing this tragedy really reminds me how precious life is. Thank God you still have your husband. I will be praying for a miracle with you.

Peggy said...

Lori,
I am also very sorry that you and Cliff and your whole family are going through such a tough time. It's amazing grace that you display (even if it's in between those "car" venting sessions). It is that grace and faith that will sustain you in the days ahead and the prayers of your followers, family and friends. You will be in my prayers, hugs,
Peggy

Bubbling Arroyo said...

I am really sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. It is good to have the support of the loved ones though and faith in almighty. Sending all my wishes, prayers your way.

Shabby chic Sandy said...

Oh my goodness--you have been through so much! I am so sorry for what you are going through. There is a reason for everything and lets hope God shows you the reason for this soon. I will be praying for all of you. This is going to make your daughter stronger. Hold each other tight--you can get through this. Sending prayers and best wishes. I think bloggers will be of great emotional support to you so don't be afraid to use your blog as an outlet.

Dear Emmeline said...

Lori, I pray for peace for you and your family. It is an incredible testimony of your faith and encouragement to see how you are leaning on and trusting God in these tough times.


Ecclesiastes 3:1-3
A Time for Everything

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,a time for war and a time for peace.

Jeremiah 29:10-12
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper(F) you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

***Great is Thy Faithfulness oh God my father!


Romans 5
Peace and Hope

5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

May you find comfort and rest in our Heavenly Father. He loves you so much! Hugs. I am praying for you.

***Jesus! I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

Lisha said...

Lori, you are handling this situation with such grace (maybe not in your car, lol) But your attitude is exactly what God expects of you. Keep loving your husband through thick and thin, that is all you can do. I am so sorry that your family is having to go through this, and that your husband has lost the use of parts of his body. I will be praying for a miraculous healing, but most of all, a sense of contentment, compassion, and a sense of humor no matter what the circumstances. Much love to you... You're doing a great job...

~Lisha

Carol said...

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
When things in my life have seemed dark or unknown I have always keep this verse close. Our plans are not His but His plans will always bring us closer to Him. Your blog gives God glory and He gives you hope and peace. May his blessing be upon you and your family. Our prayers are with your family and with you as you prepare to tell your daughter and move into this new life He has planned for your family.

SheilaG @ Plum Doodles said...

Thank you for sharing your story, Lori- it's awesome to see your faith shine through such a difficult time. I'm praying your husband will receive a miracle of complete healing. God breathed life into dry bones- He can also restore nerves and muscles. May you both have peace and joy in the midst of this trial.

Curt said...

Thank you for sharing. It is so encouraging to "hear" your trust in Him. There is nothing more that I could add to what you are already holding onto. God Bless you and prayers for your continued trust in Him.

Kara at Petals to Picots said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so hard to have faith in His plan during these times. Hang in there and keep the faith. I am praying for you and your family.

sandra said...

Hi, Lori
Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you, and continuing to pray for all of you. Gentle hugs...
Sandra

kathy's studio said...

Hi Lori,
You and your family will be in my prayers.
Let me share a little something with you. When I was 19 years old I was in a serious car accident. I was hit in the passenger side and thank God I was alone be cause now at almost 40 I still have very visible scars on my right arm. But as I was saying I was hit in the side flipped 5 times end over end and landed in a bed of fire ants. I was rushed to the closest hospital where they said I had crushed my left arm, many gashes on my right arm and a blood clot on my liver. I then was going to do a cat scan and set my arm and send me home. Well the CAT scan showed I had a 6 inch tear in my descending Aorta. It had been 14 hours since my accident anything over 10 hrs with this kind of injury is loss of the use of your legs anything over 12 is death. God answers prayers I am alive and can walk they said I would not be able to have children. I have two beautiful girls ages 7 yrs and 19 months. I am also have an aorta that is daycron covered and tiflon sealed, excuse the spelling please, so my heart is dishwasher and microwave safe. My mother hated that joke, but I had to laugh about it and still do. Stay strong in your faith. God like you say is in control and I am living proof he answers prayers. God Bless and keep you and your. My prayers are with you, your husband and daughter.
Kathy

Jane H said...

What you wrote was so great, and heartfelt, you needn't have worried about how to tell us. You are clearly so strong, even if it does not feel that way right now. I cannot say anything better than what has already been said; however, I can tell that your faith will support you, and I wish you many blessings in the coming days and weeks.

Michele from IL said...

Praying for you and your family during this difficult time, Lori!

Transformations By Jacqueline said...

Oh Lori! I just coming to take a look on your blog and can't believe what is happening! My heart is with you and your family! I'll be praying for your husband and for you all.

Alicia @ The Creative Vault said...

I cannot express to you how heavy my heart is for you and your family right now. I can only imagine what you have been through and what is yet to come. But I do know that our Savior, Jesus Christ knows exactly your pains, heartbreak, sorrow and fears because He suffered them for you so that He could walk with you in this.

Reading your story reminded me of a beautiful talk one of our church leaders gave in a worldwide conference a few years ago about the tender mercies of the Lord. Through His tender mercies in small and simple ways the Lord blesses us and shows us that He is there. I don't know what's in store for your family but I do know that you will see His tender mercies as you move forward with faith and that he will bless you in ways that are small and big.

May you have the faith to get through this as a family. You are in my prayers. Please, if you ever want a pen pal to vent to or help lift you up, I am here.

Here is a short youtube video of the talk. I hope it brings you peace and strength.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7XA5X5CxJc

Diana @ AnyoneCanDecorate said...

Lori, I'm so sorry for all you and your family are going though. It is sometimes so hard to see what God is doing in our difficult situtions, that make no sense to us... but continuing to trust Him and knowing that He is fully in control does help. I am praying for your husband, for healing and for God's perfect will to be done in and through his life. Blessings to you and yours!

Al@PolkaDotsandPaisley said...

Lori, I'm so sorry to hear about the ordeal you and your family are going through. I can only imagine how difficult it must be. Your ability to remain strong in your faith is a remarkable testament to your beliefs. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Diane @ The Checkered Apple said...

Lori,
Sending prayers and lots of hugs your way.

Anonymous said...

Still praying, and wondering how y'all are.

Katherines Corner said...

Lori, forgive my absence from your sweet blog. I am saddened to read your post. I send you ALL prayers for health and healing and pray at this moment that your husband is recovering .xo

Transformations By Jacqueline said...

Just to say hello! hoping you and family are doing a little better, recovering a little. And remember I pray for your husband health and for the well being of your family...

Kevin Collins said...

Hi, Nice post thanks for sharing. Would you please consider adding a link to my website on your page. Please email me back.

Thanks!
Kevin
kevincollins1012@gmail.com

Debi said...

Lori my dear, so sorry I have been away so long! I am including you and your family in my prayers, and thoughts. May God continue to hold you in his hands, and you all be blessed. SO sorry to hear about you families tragedy, sweetie. If you ever need to rant again, I am always here honey!
I stopped by to let you know that I was back to blogging. Hope to see you soon sweetheart. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Lindsey Domer said...

This post is so amazing! You are such a strong woman. It is awesome to be reminded that God does everything for a reason and that he doesn't make mistakes... even though sometimes they certainly feel like that. :)

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