I have typed and erased a half a dozen times now, trying to figure out how to write about a tragedy...how to express how I feel. Well the backspacing is over and I am just going to write...scream it out, and vent! First, praise be to my God...I could not make it without His infinite love, mercy and grace! On July 9th, Cliff, my husband of 20 years suffered a spinal infarct of unknown origin. Our lives changed forever in that 90 seconds, but my husbands life was spared. He is now a paraplegic, but we are still praying for a miracle. The last few weeks have been filled with multiple diagnosis, several medical facilities, and multiple treatments, but ultimately the cause is a mystery. A spinal stroke, or spinal infarct is the final diagnosis based on the sudden onset, and spinal cord damage. Why? Do you ever just wonder what the plan is? I know that God is in control...I have faith in His plan for our lives, but we are shaken....devastated, and in a fog. Do you know the fog I am talking about? I felt a similar fog when my oldest son died, but I did not even recognize it until months later. It is a dream like state where everything in life keeps happening, but you are just going through the motions....NOT a good feeling! Fortunately, the fog lifts from time to time, and we are able to laugh at the nonsensical! I would much rather laugh than cry, so I am sure that many people think I'm a little weird, cause I find humor in it all. Not that I am always laughing...my car is my refuge where I can scream and cry and tell God how unfair it is that my wonderful, kind and loving husband should have to suffer like this...I scream about the mean and bad people that deserve suffering (yes, I know that is not true), but not my husband...he is one of the good guys! I am convinced that hospitals do not just need a "meditation and prayer" room, but someone needs to add a padded sound- proof room where patients and families can go to scream, kick, cry and just "pitch a fit"! I've used my car, but truthfully I'm not so sure that is the best place....other drivers are probably traumatized. Anyway, we are surviving, laughing, and discovering an even deeper love for each other, and a deeper trust in God....He has us in the palm of His hand. Currently Cliff is in an acute rehab facility where he is learning basic "activities of daily living" skills. He is working so hard, but just like me, he has his ups and downs. This life is hard sometimes, but I keep reminding myself that God was not surprised, and our hope is in Him. The next hurdle is coming soon....Our daughter, Amelia was away at camp when this happened. Since the initial diagnosis was Guillain Barre' syndrome we expected a full recovery when we told her about it...she has not been told that the paralysis is likely permanent. We decided to wait until she comes home to tell her, and the time is quickly approaching. I'm nervous and anxious about her reaction, but I'm also confident that she will amaze me...she always does! What else can I say?....Cliff was the primary caregiver for my elderly mom, so that has been another challenge, but with family, friends and church, we have been blessed. Although I'm pretty sure that no one came to my blog to hear my rantings, I am so thankful for this outlet. I did not even scratch the surface of this ordeal, but I do feel better just tapping it out on my laptop....Thanks for listening! I will post updates as I am able...
I would love if you shared your trials and triumphs with me....we can get encouragement from each other....pray for each other, and get through it together. God bless you all!
